Things I would tell myself 10 years ago.
I really wish someone would have told me that even if I assimilated perfectly that they would take one look at me and discredit everything that I had worked so hard to do. This is a blog about my social experience as a new mother of color, we aren’t even gonna get into the medical side of things on this post.
These days it’s hard for me to admit that in my past I wholeheartedly strived to assimilate. My entire life and education were based around meeting the standards that were white standards. In my mind, I thought that I would be more accepted by seeming more normal and acting the way I saw the more accepted people in my society act.
After giving birth I did not return to work and I undoubtedly needed an outlet. I was living about 3 hours away from the city I grew up in and had no family or many friends in the area. I searched online for mommy groups, and to my dismay many were full and I didn’t see any that were for mothers of color, and thinking back on it it didn’t matter to me because I thought I was just like all the other new mothers. My daughter and I went to parks, the library, and other places to meet people. I was dismissed quickly and without a second thought as a new mother. I wanted to yell, we go to the most sought-after pediatric practice in the city, I’m a SAHM, I’m married, my car seat is in the top 3 for safety, I’m doing baby-led weaning, I’m breastfeeding. The politics of motherhood and groups was something I knew nothing about, to be honest, I was really perplexed as to why no one wanted to include me. This took years for me to figure out why I didn’t fit the standard, I was so brokenhearted, and this introduced me to the real world. At the time I didn’t know that I needed the right connections, to live in the right neighborhood and a good amount of money to be accepted into the groups I wanted to join.
All the time, money, and energy wasted is shameful to me now, but that’s my truth. I said all this to say we have to value different things, I needed an ally, hell even a wake-up call 8 years ago. I could have greatly benefited from a doula who lived and experienced life as I do. That support could have changed a lot of things in hindsight. I had always heard it takes a village to raise a child and I looked around and there was no village for me. My hope of joining a village was crumbling fast. Things weren’t all bad, I finally found a mom that was new in the city and we had infants similar in age. When I tell yall I clung to her and she clung to me because we were all we had. We met on this online page for mom or something, I can't remember it was so long ago, our first meeting was in the local mall. I am still her friend on social media today as we have both moved from the city we met in and also had a sibling for the children we bonded over.
I say this because this trauma resurfaced when I was dismissed by two separate school’s PTOs. My dream had always been to be the president, I arrived early ready and willing to serve at an entry-level position and work my way up. They looked at me and heard me volunteer my services with enthusiasm and moved on. Other women who volunteered after I did made the PTO, I saw them at all the functions serving the school. That familiar feeling of defeat caused me not to go back. I donated to everything they had, by sending money and items, but I never attended another meeting.
As you can see I didn’t mention my daughter in any of this bc she thrived, I gave her everything that a child needed and wanted, but the mother, the woman of color, I suffered greatly. This is truly when I learned to live with a glass half empty and give from a broken place.
I know someone may be thinking what could a doula have done to impact this? A doula can be supportive and listen to your worries fears and concerns and make you feel like you’ve been heard. As hopefully someone who experiences life as you do or has knowledge of circumstances that are unique to some social groups, a doula can use their resources to help you feel supported appropriately. Let’s move away from infant-centric care because a healthy baby requires a healthy parent(s) as well.
These days I wholeheartedly believe that representation matters, and inclusion matters, but also not waiting for someone to let you into something. Start your own group, know your worth and be authentically you. We are the standard, we created the norms. I don't go places where I’m not wanted anymore, not out of fear but because I am capable of finding my people and creating something that suits us.
